Sexy Intruder
by CallmeLavette
Summary: Kagome and Sesshomaru are having some problems...of a sexual nature.He's overworked and she's bored. What does the sex therapist say? Click to find out. Just a funny little fan fiction about what they do to solve their problem. Rated for explicit language


AN: This story is based on the comedy of Dane Cook and uses the characters of Rumiko Takahashi's "Inuyasha" and a little part from the movie "The Namesake", see if you can guess which part. Be patient, the comedy comes a little later on. I own nothing except for the actual story "Sexy Intruder". Just a nice little one shot, hope you enjoy it (no flames if you don't).

**

Kagome wondered about her marriage. She thought about what led up to it, and how it was in its present state. To be honest, she was quite bored. Throughout the years, Sesshomaru had worked hard to make a good life for them and their children, who were now almost adults. They married young, at seventeen (with parental permission of course). Sixteen years later, Kagome could do nothing but live in a routine. Everyday she woke up to find herself alone in bed. From there she made her family breakfast and headed off to work. Each day at work was a gift. Kagome thoroughly enjoyed being near babies, as she was in charge of the nursery at Tokyo's best hospital. She had a wonderful husband, two loving sons and the perfect job.

Okay, so maybe Kagome did know what was making her so detached as of late. Her and Sesshomaru barely had sex anymore, and even when they did, it was quick and to the point. She missed the fire that would overcome her every time he so much as looked at her. Now all she felt when he glanced in her direction was a dull feeling of adoration. Sesshomaru definitely had everything going for him; he was educated, sexy and really attentive when he chose to be. Unfortunately, during the last five months, Sesshomaru seemed to care more about his job than her and that broke Kagome's heart to bits.

That night, Kagome decided she would talk to him about how she was feeling. It was no secret that men didn't particularly like to talk about emotions, but dang-it, this was an emergency. She had already played it out in her head…

"_Sesshou, I really need to talk to you…" she whispered as they got ready for bed. _

"_What about?" he asked, looking rather tired. _

"_Well, I'll just put it out there… we don't have sex as frequently as we used to, and the rare occasions that we do, you don't seem like you want to be there!" _

_There; she had said it. There was really no turning back now. What if she had unintentionally hurt his feelings? What if he was offended? What if her fears were confirmed and he was… gay! Gahh! _

"_Kagome, things at work have been hectic. I really do miss you a lot." He was trying to comfort her. _

"_Do you still find me attractive?" now she was just embarrassed. _

"_You've got to be the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on." Yeah, this was Sesshomaru laying it on thick. _

"_Thank you, but what I mean is…" she paused and covered her face as it turned red. "Do you think I'm sexy?" if there was any way to forget this conversation had happened; it disappeared the minute she said that._

"_Hell yeah! In fact, just looking at you right now, with those footsie pajamas you're wearing and your hair loose; it makes this Sesshomaru very __**"hot and bothered"**__ indeed." With each syllable he took a step closer to his adorable little wife. _

_Kagome groaned aloud "You know how I get when you start speaking in the third person." _

_He blinked while feigning innocence. _

"_No, this Sesshomaru doesn't. Maybe you should tell this Sesshomaru so that he can-"_

_Kagome jumped him before he could finish his sentence. _

' _This Kagome's gonna get laid tonight!' she thought happily._

Somehow, things didn't go quite as planned.

"Sesshou, I really need to talk to you…" Kagome bit her lip in anticipation.

"What about?" He inquired.

Kagome's gaze shifted downward. "I think that our sex life, it isn't what it used to be… I don't think it's anyone's fault but-" she cut herself off. There was no way she could finish that sentence. This matter was just too personal to talk about, even in a private place with her husband, even if it did involve him.

His jaw twitched in anger. 'Unbelievable!' he thought. "This Sesshomaru works like a dog for our family. He tries his best to make you happy and you're complaining about our sex life? Why don't we just go to a sex therapist then?" he shouted at her, although he didn't mean to.

For sixty seconds, she stood there watching him. Her face fell with sadness. She didn't want him to see her cry; so she shoved him out of her way and went into their bathroom. Before he could utter a word, she clicked the lock in its place.

He had really done it now. He realized that his work was taking a toll on him and nowadays, the woman he loved as well. He'd never yelled at her that way before and he still didn't have the right to. Gracefully, he walked to the bathroom door and softly knocked.

He received no answer.

"Kagome?" he spoke in a hushed tone; still, no answer.

"Kagome, please open the door." He heard a slight movement, but the door was still closed. He smiled to himself. "My Kagome" he knew it was only a matter of time.

"My Kagome, crazy Kagome, open the door Kagome. Oh my dear, open the door. Please" his voice was gentle as he spoke.

The door slowly crept open to reveal Kagome, who was a bit flushed from tears.

Such a jerk he felt like. "Crazy girl; don't smile" he teased. "Come on, smile now. Smile please." and she graciously complied.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you. My job…" and instantly she understood.

"How about we have a bit of fun?" she wanted to present the** idea** of fun before actually stating what she wanted to do.

Sesshomaru raised a questioning eyebrow. "Please, do elaborate."

"Well, the sex therapist idea isn't so bad… it could be like a joke, you know?"

Sesshomaru shook his head at the weakness he displayed whenever his woman was involved. "I can't believe I'm going to agree to this foolishness."

"Thank you!!! Sesshomaru-kun is so kind to Kagome-sama." Kagome planted tiny kisses all over his angelic face.

"This Sesshomaru loves and desires Kagome very much; this fact will never change."

*Two Weeks Later*

Upon coming home from the sex therapist, both Kagome and Sesshomaru knew that she'd given some useful advice. During the ride home, they decided to try at least one of her suggestions.

Kagome thought about the three choices they were given.

One, they could use dirty talk…

_Sesshomaru stared at Kagome with a longing that surpassed all others. _

"_Who's my dirty little whore?" he whispered. _

"_I am, me, me, me." She responded eagerly. _

"_Who's going to satisfy me to my hearts content?" _

"_I am, me, me, me." Kagome responded once again. _

_This wasn't exactly __**dirty **__talk, his efforts were so bad; but it was adorable. _

"_Who's your daddy?" Sesshomaru growled._

_All of a sudden, he was alone in their bedroom. _

"_Aww, Sesshomaru, that's really sick. My father is Kane Higurashi and he's the last person I want to think about!" there was no way she could have sex with him after he said that! Ugh._

"_Dammit!" His hands balled into fist and hit the wall. _

Maybe that wasn't the best idea. Oh, they could find some other place to make love other than their bedroom…

_Kagome giggled as they entered their laundry room. _ _They could use the vibrations from the washer and at the same time, clean the dirty clothes. A magnificent idea most definitely! _

_Kagome purred as Sesshomaru opened the fastenings of her blouse. She was as perfect as the day they first joined. _

"_How lovely you are" he licked his lips and prepared to kiss her everywhere. _

_His mouth set on her collarbone; they could both feel the heat, the passion, the love, the washing machine. This was a grand idea. _

_Kagome sighed in contentment. She was finally going to get some good ol' fashioned lovin'._

"_MOM? DAD? What the hell?" Itachi, their eldest son had just been traumatized. _

_Kagome closed her shirt and fled after him with some half baked explanations. _

"_Daddy was just helping me wash my shirt." She hoped that would work._

"_Don't lie, you two were about to do "it"; ugh I can't even say the words" _

"_Itachi, when a man and a woman love each other very much-"_

"_Hell no! Fuck this shit" He stormed off before she could finish. _

_Kagome heard the washing machine zing as Sesshomaru hit it with a grunt and a _

"_Dammit!" . Well, at least the clothes were done. _

No, that wouldn't work either. Their only hope, their last hope, was role playing. Kagome refused to think about that one; she refused to be left with no options. All that there was left to do, was the action itself.

Sesshomaru grabbed Kagome's hand and looked over her as they entered their home. The kids were on their senior trip to America, he had no work to do, she was completely free and they turned off all cell phones.

"Hey, how about you play a rapist/ murderer and I'll be the helpless girl stuck in a big house all by herself?" she grinned.

"Is this what you think about at night?" his wife was a freak indeed.

"No, it was just a suggestion." Kagome looked down, slightly self-conscious.

"We shall try it."

With those words, the games began. Kagome turned off all of the lights in the house.

She popped a bag of popcorn and put in a very scary movie.

Sesshomaru dressed in black and put on the mask he used for skiing. He proceeded to leave the house and "lurk" for a little while.

About a half an hour later, as Kagome (in her footsie pajamas, in the dark )watched "The Omen" she heard noises at the window.

She looked around, trying to appear frightened. "Hello? Hello is someone there? I thought I heard some sounds, some scary sounds from outside." Giggling, she continued to watch.

Fifteen minutes later, the little noises escalated into slight bangs every now and again. "Oo, shit." She glanced over her shoulder. _(A.N.: not "oh" but for example when a crowd says "oo, ah" at something that amazes them) _

An Emmy would never be awarded to Kagome. "What was that, like a natural disaster or something?"

Then… the phone rang! She looked at the caller identification but it read "blocked number"

"Hello?" she answers.

"Listen to me carefully. I'm going to enter your home … illegally. Then I will rape you and kill you." came a scratchy voice.

"No, why would you say such things to me?" she pressed her hands on her chest for dramatic effect.

"Let me repeat myself then. I'm the guy that's going to enter your home… illegally." the scratchy voice continued "and then rape and kill you."

"No please, say this isn't happening..." she "pleaded".

"It's happening, bitch!" the scratchy voice explained.

"Baby, baby, don't call me "bitch". There's no "bitch" here, okay?!" the nerve of him!

"My apologies, snookums" he said, scratchy voice still intact. "It's happening, sugarplum."

Their game resumed.

"I'm coming in there to rape you right now." Wasn't his throat sore by now?

"Ok, if you must. Hang up now."

Scratchy voice responded "No you hang up."

"No you hang up." she smiled.

"No you hang up." his "voice" never faltered.

"Wait, we need milk."

"Just a quick run to the store; then I'm coming to rape and kill you"

"Alrighty then."

Ten minutes later, a figure appeared in the doorway with a carton of milk in hand.

"Got milk?" he said

"Just get over here and take care of me." She smiled.

Rushing over, he sat her in his lap and cooed sweet nothings into her ear.

"You know, that voice was kind of sexy."

"You know, you can't act to save your life."

She looked a little insulted. Then she smirked. "You sure couldn't tell the difference on our wedding night. I think I did a splendid job then."

Sesshomaru chuckled at her obvious attempt at revenge. Then, in a moment of clarity, he knew that their sex life wasn't boring; it just lacked two playful souls.

"No more talking. I believe we have some business to attend to upstairs." He picked her up and hauled her over his shoulder. "You're not getting away from me you little minx." He said in his signature "scratchy voice".

Kagome kicked her legs in excitement. "Oo, shit."

**

AN: Like I said before; this is based on comedy by Dane Cook :

.com/watch?v=nWDO6luM43c&feature=related

Also, Rumiko Takahashi's "Inuyasha" characters and a little snippet from "The Namesake." The only thing I own is the actual story "Sexy Intruder".

Hope you liked it, my first one shot.


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